The point at which you decide to go back to it is the point at which you realize that not doing it makes you feel more angry and alone than doing it ever did. And I’m there. Again.

– at different points, 2014 – 2017

 

So, I kind of quit doing stand up “for good” in the spring of 2014. Then, immediately after that, I kind of started to miss it…sort of. Then, some time later, I kinda’ sorta’ wanted to turn the ship around and move towards it again. I guess I’m still doing that. It sure is taking a long time.

What changed? Not a lot. Just the way I look at things. Maybe that’s a lot.

What I’ve learned:

A-Trouble is important.

B-You can’t plan trouble.

C- I’m not administrative.

REVELATIONS – not the Bible ones:

I’ve had a lot of revelations over the years. Here are some of them.

1 a. LATE BLOOMERS RULE.

“The world needs late bloomers. We are the underdogs of time.”

— Clara Peller, the “Where’s the beef?” lady from the 1980s fast food commercials

(NOTE: She did NOT say this. I just think it would have been really cool if she had)

I now accept that being a late bloomer is an honor, not a sentence. In our society, everything is supposed to be conceived, achieved and accomplished by age 30. After that, you are the existential equivalent of dog shit drying in the sun. Taking up space. Withering. Reminding all the living beings around you of how pointless existence is for the final two thirds of our life spans. How sad.

I’ve missed more than one boat in my time. And that’s okay. The thing they don’t tell you about the proverbial boat is that there are tons of boats behind it. Hell, there are thousands of boats. You can miss most of them and still have a whole bunch left to get on if and when you want to. The point about boats is to get on one at some point before you die. That’s it. And it’s true that if you wait too long, you might need a little assistance hoisting yourself onto the boat when it comes around, but so what? Anyway, do get on a boat when you can. And don’t worry about the boats that have already passed. Some of them have probably sunk anyway. The right time is never actually the really truly right time because there’s no such thing. And maybe you haven’t liked any of the boats you’ve seen up to now. Who says you even have to get on a damn boat? Why not just jump into the water and start paddling? OK, this metaphor has been exhausted beyond all reason.

1 b. “TOO LATE” IS ACTUALLY A GREAT PLACE TO START.

Too old, too rusty, too late, too bad. None of it is real. Barring childbirth and ballet, you can do whatever whenever. And, in fact, there’s something really inviting about getting into the mix after all your initial chances for success have come and gone. Because now there’s less anxiety. There’s less noise. Less competition. All the tourists have left the boardwalk and you can finally dance around on it without all those stupid couples everywhere. Essentially, no one cares anymore (They never did) so you can really actually do your thaang.

2. I WANNA’ BE A MEDIUM STAR SOME DAY.

I also came to the realization that I didn’t actually want to be that famous. I think I had been plagued by delusions of grandeur for years. Everybody wants that, right? In fact, what I really wanted was to have enough purchase in whatever I was doing to be able to continue doing it. Enough recognition to keep going, creating. I didn’t need to rule the world. Just my little piece of it. Now that I know that, it’s a lot easier. I do not want to be a huge star. A medium star would make me very happy. Enough of a star to never have to do temp work again would be wonderful.

3. I WAS STARTING TO GET OFFENDED BY MY OWN COMPANY.

4. I’M FINALLY OK WITH BEING DEPRESSED AND APATHETIC. IT’S MY NORMAL.

I have accepted my natural inclination to fizzle out and lose interest as part of a cyclical norm for me. I get bored and have to back away, but that is not a sign of true lack of interest. Instead, it just means I have to go flirt with a meaningless hobby for a while until I get hungry for expression again.

5. I AM NOT A HOBBY PERSON.

Question to Self (2014): What’s the worst thing that could happen if I threw it all away?

Answer to Self (2017): Boredom gets worse. Isolation gets worse. It becomes painfully clear that I will never be the kind of person who devotes their time to group sports, book clubs or singles’ events.

5. I MUST SOMEHOW JUSTIFY MY CRAZY BEHAVIOR.

Performance keeps me off the streets where all I want to do is walk around and rant to myself. Which is OK if it’s in preparation for something, but to just walk around, rant to myself, and do nothing with that…is just nuts.

6. SOME OF MY THOUGHTS ARE ONLY ACCEPTABLE ON THE “SAFE” SPACE OF A STAGE.*

I started noticing that my conversations were reading more as giant misunderstandings. Part of it was that, even though I’d quit the stage, I was still thinking in comedy terms – looking at the world and how distorted it was, then distorting it even more with my own warps and kinks. That’s what comedians do, and when they are talking to each other it’s fine. But normals don’t do that so if you’re in conversation with them, it can get weird. Your average civilian wants to keep discussions within the realm of decency and realism. I don’t. I, like many of my tribe, tend to talk a little off kilter, a little outrageous, a little abstract. That is not always appropriate or welcome, especially at work. More on that later. See “VOCATIONAL MISALIGNMENT”.

7. I’D RATHER BE WORN OUT BECAUSE I’M DEALING WITH MY SHIT THAN BE WORN OUT BECAUSE I’M NOT DEALING WITH IT.

Either way, you’re exhausted. Why add stabbing pains of disappointment into the mix?

8. I REFUSE TO LET THE WORLD FORGET ABOUT ME BEFORE IT EVEN KNOWS WHO I AM.

9. YOU WILL ONLY EVER BE HAPPY IF YOU RUN AWAY FROM THINGS YOU HATE; NOT THINGS YOU LOVE.

I’m sure I stole this from somewhere.

10. I REALIZED THAT I MIGHT AS WELL START DOING COMEDY AGAIN BECAUSE MY MOTHER WAS STILL TELLING PEOPLE I DID COMEDY IN LONDON…WHICH IS EMBARRASSING BECAUSE WHAT I REALLY DID IN LONDON WAS STAY HOME AND MAKE MY OWN DEODORANT BLENDS OUT OF HOUSEHOLD PRODUCTS AND ESSENTIAL OILS IN MY ENORMOUS EXPANSES OF FREE TIME.

Okay, now read the next post.

*I generally hate the term “safe space”, but it was fitting in the sentence.